Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Hasselhoff Moving To London?

Bouffant tele/pop/tits star David Hasselhoff is rumoured to be moving to London. According to ‘a source’ he’s “a fan of swanky London areas like Chelsea and Richmond” and will fly into the capital next week to do a spot of house hunting.

Good news for breweries, bored students and hairdressers… not so good news for razors and chandeliers. When asked if he would consider bringing his car over Dave said: “fucKit”.

See fullish story here. Then sing the entire Baywatch theme tune outloud. In your pants.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Sadie Frost Isn’t A Model Beater

Remember when the Mail on Sunday alleged that Sadie Frost bashed up a model in toilet? Well apparently nor does the model. In August 2005, they accused her of attacking a young model during the after show party for ‘Project Catwalk’.

They went further and claimed that the attack was so brutal that Sadie even had to undergo professional anger management treatment to address her violent streak.

The Mail on Sunday has now acknowledged that they were probably just lying and have agreed to pay court costs as well as a huge amount of compensation for ‘damage and distress’. Sadie wasn’t present in court - possibly amid fears that she'd beat the shit out of everyone present.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Hoff Hates Being Called Gay

David Hasselhoff (who DEFINITELY didn’t get drunk at Wimbledon) has been slagging off Piers Morgan, former editor of the Daily Mirror. The two starred alongside one another on Cowell’s 'X-Factor' spin-off ‘America’s Got Talent’, but their relationship goes back further. Hoff blames Morgan for propagating tabloid rumours that he was gay during the Baywatch era. Now in a completely sober statement Hoff jeers:

"Piers! Piers is piercing. Piers is rude. All of America hates him because he made a little boy cry on the show. But now that he is a star, I have taught him that he is fair game because of all the crap he used to write about us. Welcome to our world, Piersy, pal. I am going to tell everyone that he is gay and see how he likes it."

I’ll bet Piersy pal enjoyed being ‘taught’ by Hoff - although I can’t help thinking that when you’re trying to spread a rumour, it’s probably best not to say: "I am going to tell everyone [insert rumour here]"...

Monday, July 31, 2006

Prince William Being Pushed Into Marriage

Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles are allegedly putting pressure on Prince William to ‘pop the question’ to his girlfriend Kate Middleton. According to a Buckingham Palace insider: “There is a slight stalemate, largely because William is unsure over the timing. The royals can see Kate will be an asset and don't want Wills to let her slip through his fingers.”

Both Elizabeth and Charles have described Kate as ‘just perfect’ and she’s popped over for tea at Balmoral on more than one occasion. Royal pundits – posh people without titles - speculate that Charles and Liz fear a repeat of the Camilla crisis 30 years ago - where she got fed up of waiting for his proposal and galloped off into the sunset.

If they like each other anything like as much as they appear to like each others shoes, they might as well go for it. He should make Harry best man so that they can goose-step round Europe smoking pot on the stag do.

James Blunt: 4th Most Annoying Thing Ever

Tiny pop warbler James Blunt has come fourth in a poll of the nations’ 100 pet hates. He beat ‘traffic wardens’, ‘brown nosers’ and ‘ring tones’ in a survey of over 2,000 people. ‘Cold callers’ came in first place, closely followed by ‘caravans’ and ‘queue jumpers’.

A spokesman for the drinks company who commissioned the poll said: 'It's the little things that are beyond our control which annoy us the most, like novelty ring tones and noisy eaters.' It’s surprising he can get away with referring to Blunt as a ‘little thing… beyond our control’ but completely understandable.

Mel Gibson Is A Drunk Racist

Mel Gibson, the bug-eyed star of ‘Mad Max’ and ‘Signs’, has landed himself in a bit of trouble with the law. He was caught speeding under the influence last Friday at 87mph in a 45mph zone. It has since emerged that the Lethal Weapon also spluttered racial obscenities to his arresting officer, James Mee. “Are you a Jew?” Gibson asked stumbling out of the car. “The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world” he allegedly ranted.

The revelation came as little shock to Abraham Foxman, national director of the Anti-Defamation league, who once described Gibson’s ‘The Passion of the Christ’ as a “reservoir of hatred”. He told press: “it is unfortunate that it took an excess of booze and an encounter with a traffic cop to reveal what was really in his heart and mind”.

Mel, who denies he’s Australian despite overwhelming evidence, has since apologised for his outburst saying: “I am deeply ashamed of everything I said”.

I just can’t wait for his next film. Maybe he could team up with the Hoff and make ‘Mad Max 4: Knight Rider edition’. The dynamic duo could don leather jackets and screech round America on a massive booze run… Kit screaming racist abuse and firing rockets at any infidels they chance upon.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Gillian Anderson Has Baby Inside Her

'X Files' star Gillian Anderson is pregnant with a human baby. Quoted in People magazine her manager reports:

"She is happy to announce that she is expecting her second child, due at the end of the year, with businessman Mark Griffiths."

The news comes just 2 months after Gillian broke up from her documentary making husband, Julian Ozanne. However, she has been rumoured to be dating Mark Griffiths, the director of a major wheel clamping firm for some time now.

Oh what a pity... and there was me hoping that Mulder had leapt onto the scene and heroically inseminated her to a thumping remix of the X-Files theme tune. The truth, which is out there (and in fact here) is better for once. One time FHM sexiest is breeding with a man who clamps cars. Fast Forward to birth and Griffiths barking: "stop, do not attempt to remove it" etc.

George Michael Denies Bush Romp

George Michael has hit out at the News of the World over allegations that he shagged fat, 58 year-old, Norman Kirtland in a bush on Hampstead Heath. Reporters from the paper claim he shouted (when confronted):

"I don't believe it! [bleep] off! I'm not doing anything illegal. The police don't even come up here anymore. I'm a free man, I can do whatever I want. I'm not harming anyone."

George has responded by saying: "This story is total [bleep] but its nice to know the News of the World is still so concerned by my well being."

So concerned it seems that they'll follow him bottom first into a bush.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Colin Farrell Is Dry

Hairy faced Brad Pitt impersonator Colin Farrell is claiming he’s off the booze. The 30 year old star of ‘Phone Booth’ and ‘Alexander’ told the Daily Mirror:

"I was burning the candle at both ends and the flames met in the middle… It just caught up with me. It was a long time coming but I had my arse handed to me on a plate. Now I haven't had a drink for six months… I have a new-found appreciation for my life…

I wasn't suicidal but I never had much of a will to live a long time. Now I want to watch my son grow up, be his friend and his father, and hang around with him. So he's the greatest priority in my life… Life has been a bit of a blur… It has been a trip and I've worked with some incredible people and seen some amazing places… I'm 30 now but I still think I'm Peter Pan - I don't want to grow up”.

It’d be like having an evil, ‘I never had much of a will to live’ Peter Pan for a dad. Just imagine story time… Col sitting on the edge of the bed, a trickle of black, liquid lung seeping out of the corner of his mouth as he slurs about some sordid little adventure - such as the time he begged a 70 year old dame for sex... his son staring at him in bemused horror as he gets up, stumbles over to the window mumbling “I can fly, I can fly” and then topples out in a plume of yellow smoke.

Savage Garden Singer Is Gay And Married

Remember Savage Garden, the Aussie duo who brought us chart-topping, helium-filled pop ballads such as "Truly, Madly, Deeply" and "I Knew I Loved You"? Well lead singer/songwriter Darren Hayes has 'come out' and announced that he has married his 'boyfriend of two years':

"On June 19th, 2006, I married my boyfriend of two years, Richard... I can honestly say it was the happiest day of my life. "I feel lucky to live in an era where my relationship can be considered legally legitimate and I commend the UK Government for embracing this very basic Civil Liberty...

I'm proud of who I am, and after what felt like an eternity, I'm finally in a place where my heart is secure and content. And I can finally make sense of all of the searching."

I know he was previously married to a woman (high school sweet heart Colby Taylor) but he hasn't exactly 'Da Vinci Coded' his sexuality. First look at his eyebrows in the picture on the right and then look at his 2004 interview with 'Boyz Magazine'. He even put it on his website and did a really gay pose for them.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Cheryl Tweedy Disgusted By Pre-Nups

Cheryl Tweedy, pictured here kissing a rat, hates couples who opt for pre-nups. They're not savvy, they're "disgusting" she snorts. Here's her phlegmy rant in all it's glory:

"I think it's disgusting. I could understand if you're 93 and you've got billions of pounds and this 24-year-old wants to marry you in a month...

But we're a work in progress. We're going to build our married life together. We're not even thinking about if it ever ends."

Phew, well it's just as well Cheryl's nothing like the woman in her description. She's 23 and her new hubby Ashley Cole's only got millions of pounds - so there's absolutely no danger there. No way.

Kasabian Have Split Up

A bit... well ok, not really. Their mop-top guitarist/keyboard player Chris Karloff (second from right) has left. Using the age-old 'It's not you it's me' break-up line the band cited "artistic differences". However, according to a source of 'The Sun' there's a whole host of slightly less dull reasons:

"Chris has been clashing with Tom for a long time... After the last tour Chris refused to return to their home town of Leicester with the rest of the band and went to his house in America instead...

That really annoyed the lads and they gave him an ultimatum, 'Come back and work with the rest of us or leave'... Chris was exhausted from the gruelling schedule and didn't want to go through it all over again... But the boys had had enough and gave him the push."

While Karloff "pursue[s] a musical career elsewhere", Kasabian - the secret love-child of Oasis & Stereo MC's - will be off supporting the Rolling Stones in Europe. He must really hate Leicester...

Pamela Anderson Will Marry Rock

Grab your hat and fake tits, Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting married in just over a week - July 29th according to 'US Weekly'. Pammie's online diary reveals her innermost immodium-free thoughts:

"It's been a whirlwind... spontaneous but well thought through... Feels like I've been stuck in a time warp... Not able to let go of MY family picture... it's been sad and lonely and frustrating... I've raised my kids alone in hope of a miracle...

... Well my miracle came and went. And came back and back because he knew that I'd wake up one day and realise that I was waiting for nothing... I'm moving on... I feel like I'm finally free... I'm in love."

My heads about to implode with ideas and questions. What are these 'whirlwinds' and 'time warps' of which she speaks... when can we expect the 'miracle'? Her mind is like an evangelical theme park.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Jordan Wants Keira Knightley

Jordan, wife of 'I've had a nose job but nobody seems to have noticed' Peter Andre, plans to make a TV movie of her bestselling book 'Angel'. She told press:

"That is definitely happening. We haven't got as far as thinking about who will play me yet though." She went on to suggest Keira Knightley for the role saying: "She's stunning and a very good actress. I'd want someone quite high profile like her doing it."

Well, she is high profile in the sense that Jordan could just about hug her knee if she wore heels. But that's one of three minor issues. She's probably drop-kicking Bloom and Depp into the Caribbean right now, so that she can focus all her energy on becoming a busty orange.

P Diddy Wants You To Stink

Of him. He's currently working on launching "version two" of his successful fragance. He also told Sky's Neil Sean that he plans to dive head-first into the metrosexual market with his "own range of skin grooming products".

"It will be available in the early part of the new year. I think I can provide for everyone's needs for a successful and beautiful life."

I think I can run faster than light when I'm drunk, R Kelly believes he can fly... I don't see any reason why P Diddy can't provide for everyone's needs for 'a successful and beautiful life'.

Why not? Toothpaste makes me speak better, and ever since I changed deodorant I've kept finding supermodels hiding in my cupboards.